Category Archives: Sketches

Four People Who Had Very Unusual Names

Once upon a time there were four people who had very unusual names. I’d like to introduce the people to you.
This is ‘Everybody”
Here is ‘Somebody’.
This is ‘Anybody’.
And last, I’d like you to meet ‘Nobody’.
At the time our story begins, Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody all lived together in the same house. They all got along well together and each did their share of the work. But one day there was a very important job to be done, and then the trouble started.
Everybody said ‘Somebody will do it’.
Now Anybody could have done it, but in the end Nobody did it.
Somebody became very angry and said ‘It’s Everybody’s job!’
But Everybody said ‘Anybody should have done it!’
Nobody knew that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
In the end, Everybody blamed Somebody because Anybody could have done the very important job, but Nobody did it.

Why There Was No Noah’s Ark This Time Around

Early this time last year the Lord spoke to Naoh and said, “In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.” And, in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for the ark.

‘OK,’ Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, ‘I’m your man.’

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, arid the rain began to fall in torrents. The lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his garden, weeping and there was no ark.

‘Noah!’ shouted the Lord, ‘Where is my ark?’ A lightning bolt crashed to the ground right beside Noah.

‘Lord, please forgive me!’ begged Noah. ‘I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get planning permission for the ark’s construction, but your plans were not liked my Borough Council. When I put in my application under the Town and Country Planning Acts and Orders, the chief planning officer came for a site inspection. He said he did not consider my small garden as having development .potential for a large ark.’

‘Then English Heritage arrived. They said my cottage is Grade 2 listed, and ark might have a detrimental impact upon the character of the property. However, if I was to go ahead, I should at least make the ark of authentic gopher wood, and not settle for anything reconstituted. Then the highway engineers arrived, and were worried about vehicular access. They did not see how I was going to get my ark out of the garden without cutting down the ancient hedgerow. If I did that, they’d get The Council for the Protection of Rural England after me. They did not believe me when I said I expected it to float away.’

‘Then the planning officers said that in any case I was not allowed to build anything in cubits – it all has to be centimetres now we’re part of Europe. So, I had to hire an architect to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system. Then, I had a big problem getting enough of any kind of wood for the ark because there is a ban on cutting trees to save the barn owls. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save more than just the owls, but they wouldn’t believe me.’

‘Next, I started gathering up the animals, but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the case got dismissed, tile Nature Conservancy Council notified me that I couldn’t complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being.’

‘Then, the Borough Council and Railtrack wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!’

‘Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Rights people over how many minorities I’m supposed to hire. And the RSPCA has persuaded the Home Office to seize my passport, as they claim that I am trying to leave the country with a lot of animals that haven’t been rnicro-chipped.’

‘So, I’m really sorry, but I don’t think I can finish this ark.’

With that, the Lord sighed, and the rain slowly stopped. The sky finally cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up arid smiled. ‘You mean you are not going to destroy the world?’ he asked hopefully.’

‘No,’ said the Lord. ‘I can’t face all that bureaucracy either.’

The Last Known Gladiatorial Contest

Telemachus was a monk who lived in the 4th century. He felt God saying to him, “Go to Rome.” He was in a cloistered monastery. He put his possessions in a sack and set out for Rome. When he arrived in the city, people were thronging in the streets. He asked why all the excitement and was told that this was the day that the gladiators would be fighting and killing each other in the coliseum, the day of the games, the circus. He thought to himself, “Four centuries after Christ and they are still killing each other, for enjoyment?” He ran to the coliseum and heard the gladiators saying, “Hail to Caesar, we die for Caesar” and he thought, “this isn’t right.” He jumped over the railing and went out into the middle of the field, got between two gladiators, held up his hands and said, “In the name of Christ, forbear.” The crowd protested and began to shout, “Run him through, Run him through.” A gladiator came over and hit him in the stomach with the back of his sword. It sent him sprawling in the sand. He got up and ran back and again said, “In the name of Christ, forbear.” The crowd continued to chant, “Run him through.” One gladiator came over and plunged his sword through the little monk’s stomach and he fell into the sand, which began to turn crimson with his blood. One last time he gasped out, “In the name of Christ forbear.” A hush came over the 80,000 people in the coliseum. Soon a man stood and left, then another and more, and within minutes all 80,000 had emptied out of the arena. It was the last known gladiatorial contest in the history of Rome.
Source Unknown.

What was it like when Jesus returned to heaven?

Have you ever thought what it was like when Jesus returned to heaven? Maybe it went something like this.

Angel 1 Jesus, it’s wonderful to have you back with us. So, what happens next?
Jesus What do you mean?
Angel 1 Now that you’ve restored the relationship between your Father and his creation by your death on the cross, how is this going to be made known to throughout the world?
Jesus I’ve left that responsibility with my disciples.
All angels You’ve done what?!!!
Jesus When they receive the Holy Spirit they will be empowered to make known my Father’s love to the ends of the earth.
Angel 2 But Peter rushes in where we fear to tread AND he denied you three times!
Angel 3 Matthew was a tax collector and we all know what they’re like!
Angel 4 Simon was a terrorist.
Angel 2 Thomas doesn’t know what he believes!
Angel 4 James, John and Andrew are – just fishermen.
Angel 2 Half the time they didn’t have a clue what you were talking about!
Angel 3 And where were they when you needed them most?!!
Angel 1 So what is plan B?
Jesus There is no plan B.
Angel 1 I don’t believe it!

Angels leave, grumbling among themselves.