An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped
their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?”
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”
Category Archives: Alpha Course Jokes
After The Fall
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, “What’s that?” Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”
Taking Your Wealth With You
There was a very rich man who was just about to die and he wanted to take some of his wealth with him. So he started negotiations with God about the matter. God was not sure as it had never been done before and he did not want to set a precedence. Finally after long talks God reluctantly agreed to allow him to bring his wealth to heaven.
Just a few days before he died the rich man converted all his money into gold bullion. He died and the funeral home made sure that the suitcases containing the gold bullion went with him. He arrived at the Pearly Gates with his suitcases and there was Peter. Peter told him he could not bring the suitcases into heaven. But the man said he had already spoken to God and he had said it was OK. So Peter got on the God phone and sure enough it was true. So Peter was curious as to what was so valuable that the man wanted to bring it into heaven. Peter said, “Could I look in the suitcases?”
So the man opened the suitcases and Peter exclaimed, “You brought paving stones to heaven!”
Where’s There Post Office?
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.
Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”
“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said.
“You don’t even know your way to the post office.”
Quoted from funny(at)net153.com email list
Lifestyle Evangelism
Following a great sermon on lifestyle evangelism one family thought they had better do something to witness to Jesus. So they invited their neighbours to dinner the following Friday night.
When it came to the meal, the hostess was keen to show their neighbours that they upheld Christian standards in their home.
So she asked little 5 year old Johnny to say grace.
Little Johnny was a bit shy. “I don’t know what to say” There was an awkward pause, followed by a reassuring smile from the boy’s mother.
“Well darling,” she said, ” just say what Daddy said at breakfast this morning.”
Obediently, the boy repeated, “Oh God, we’ve got those awful people coming to dinner tonight”
Fire On The Farm
A fire started in the grasslands close to a farm. The county fire department rushed to the scene, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested calling the volunteer fire department. Despite some doubt that they would be of any assistance, they were called. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firefighters jumped from the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the centre of the fire and leaving two parts which were easily put out. As the farmer watched all this, he was impressed and grateful that his house and farm had been spared. He quickly got his chequebook and donated $1000 to the volunteer fire department. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain how they planned to use the funds. The captain replied, “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes on our fire truck fixed!”
The Old Family Bible
There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk. “Only the Ten Commandments,” answered the lady.
The Importance Of Having Your Email Correct!
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota who decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made to have the husband leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following him one day later. The man made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. However, he left off one letter in typing his wife’s email address and sent the email off without realizing his error. In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a pastor of many years who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from her husband’s relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman’s son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: To My Loving Wife: I’ve just been checked in. Everything has-been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Your Devoted Husband. PS: Sure is hot down here
Quoted from funny(at)153.com email list
Adam Is Lonely
One day GOD says to Adam,
“I’ve noticed that you are lonely, and I’ve decieded to make you a partner. This partner will fulfill every desire, wait on you hand and foot, never argue or talk back to you, and will take care of you for the rest of the days of your life.” Adam, skeptical about this, says “What’s it gonna cost me?” GOD replies, “One eye, your left leg and you right hand.” Adam then replies, “What can I get for a rib?”
Playing Golf
Three guys went out to play golf. Moses teed off, and his ball landed in the water trap. He walked to the water, held out his club, and the water parted. He hit his ball onto the green. Jesus teed off, and his ball went into the same water trap. He calmly walked on the water, hit his ball and watched it land on the green. The third player teed off, and his ball headed straight for the same water trap. It landed on a lily pad, where it was grabbed by a frog who mistook it for dinner. Before he could swallow it, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog. As he flew off, the frog dropped the ball. The ball landed on a car driving on the nearby freeway, bounced off the hood of the car, back onto the golf course. It then bounced off a tree and went straight into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing golf with your Dad