Category Archives: Teaching

The Job Of The Teacher

Prayer, Teaching

The following illustration may be American but the same sentiments apply to the UK!
Let me see if I’ve got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, I’m supposed to instil a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviourally modify disruptive behaviour, observe them for signs of abuse and T-shirt messages.

I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem. I’m to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a check book and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behaviour, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention.

I’m required by my contract to be working on my own time summer and evenings at my own expense toward advance certification and a master’s degree; and after school, I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my employment status.

I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. I am to pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and to my current administration. I am to incorporate technology into the learning, and monitor all Web sites while providing a personal relationship with each student. I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit crimes in school or who is possibly being abused, and I can be sent to jail for not mentioning these suspicions.

I am to make sure all students pass the state and federally mandated testing and all classes, whether or not they attend school on a regular basis or complete any of the work assigned. Plus, I am expected to make sure that all of the students with handicaps are guaranteed a free and equal education, regardless of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate frequently with each student’s parent by letter, phone, newsletter and grade card.

I’m to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a 45 minute more-or-less plan time and a big smile, all on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states. Is that all?

And you want me to do all of this and expect me NOT TO PRAY?

Quoted from http://www.cybersalt.org Illustrations email list

Children, School, Teaching

A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, “It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.”

“The body consists of three parts – the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”

“Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.”

“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”

“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.”

“When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.”

“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”

“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”

“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”

“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”

“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”

“A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”

“The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.”

“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off.

The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”

“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”

“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”

“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”

“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”

“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”

“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”

“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”

“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”

“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”

“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”

“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”

“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”

“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”

“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”

“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.”

“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”

Quoted from http://www.innovation.cc/humour.htm

Logic

Children, School, Teaching

A teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said.

“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

“His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A little girl raised her hand and suggested, “To draw out all his savings?”

Quoted from funny(at)net153.com email list

Children, Sunday School, Teaching

At the end of Sunday School little Joey asked his teacher a question:
“Mr. Goldblatt,” announced little Joey, “there’s something I can’t figure out.”

“What’s that, Joey?” asked Goldblatt.

“Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”

“Right.”

“And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?” “Er, right.”

“And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?” “Again you’re right.”

“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?”

“All that is right, too,” agreed Goldblatt. “So what’s your question?”

“What were all the grown-ups doing?”