A new vicar moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back ‘Revelation 3:20’ and stuck it in the door. The next day, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his verse was written the words ‘Genesis 3:10’. Look it up.
Category Archives: Alpha Course Jokes
Pope Francis: The Bible is a Dangerous Book
Here is the Prologue written by Pope Francis to the new Youth Bible published 2015.
My dear young friends:
If you could see my Bible, you would not be particularly impressed. What—that’s the Pope’s Bible? Such an old, worn-out book!
You could buy me a new one for $1,000, but I would not want it. I love my old Bible, which has accompanied me half my life. It has been with me in my times of joy and times of tears. It is my most precious treasure. I live out of it, and I wouldn’t give anything in the world for it.
I really like this new Youth Bible. It’s so colorful, so rich in testimonies: testimonies of the saints, testimonies of young people. It is so inviting that when you start to read at the beginning, you can’t stop until the last page.
And then …? And then it disappears on a shelf, collecting dust. Your children find it one day and bring it to the flea market.
It must not come to that.
I’ll tell you something: There are more persecuted Christians in the world today than in the early days of the Church. And why are they persecuted? They are persecuted because they wear a cross and bear witness to Jesus. They are convicted because they own a Bible. The Bible is therefore a highly dangerous book—so dangerous that you are treated in some countries as if you were hiding hand grenades in your closet.
It was a non-Christian, Mahatma Gandhi, who once said: “You Christians look after a document containing enough dynamite to blow all civilization to pieces, turn the world upside down, and bring peace to a battle-torn planet. But you treat it as though it is nothing more than a piece of literature.”
So what do you have in your hands? A piece of literature? Some nice old stories? Then you would have to say to the many Christians who go to prison or are tortured because they own a Bible: “How foolish you are; it’s just a piece of literature!”
No. By the word of God has Light come into the world, and it will never go out. In Evangelii Gaudium (175) I said, “We do not blindly seek God, or wait for him to speak to us first, for ‘God has already spoken, and there is nothing further that we need to know, which has not been revealed to us.’ Let us receive the sublime treasure of the revealed word.”
So you have something divine in your hands: a book like fire! A book through which God speaks. So notice: The Bible is not meant to be placed on a shelf, but to be in your hands, to read often—every day, both on your own and together with others. You do sports together or go shopping together. Why not read the Bible together as well—two, three, or four of you? In nature, in the woods, on the beach, at night in the glow of a few candles … you will have a great experience!
Or are you afraid of making a fool of yourself in front of others?
Read with attention! Do not stay on the surface as if reading a comic book! Never just skim the Word of God! Ask yourself: “What does this say to my heart? Does God speak through these words to me? Has he touched me in the depths of my longing? What should I do?” Only in this way can the force of the Word of God unfold. Only in this way can it change our lives, making them great and beautiful.
I want to tell you how I read my old Bible. Often I read a little and then put it away and contemplate the Lord. Not that I see the Lord, but he looks at me. He’s there. I let myself look at him. And I feel—this is not sentimentality—I feel deeply the things that the Lord tells me. Sometimes he does not speak. I then feel nothing, only emptiness, emptiness, emptiness…. But I remain patiently, and so I wait, reading and praying. I pray sitting, because it hurts me to kneel. Sometimes I even fall asleep while praying. But it does not matter. I’m like a son with the father, and that is what’s important.
Would you like to make me happy? Read the Bible!
Flying Cats
A pastor had a little kitten stuck up in a tree, and the kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. But as he moved just a little too far, the rope broke. The tree snapped upright and the kitten instantly sailed through the air and out of sight.
He felt just terrible and walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they had seen a little kitten. Nobody had and finally he prayed, “Lord, I commit this kitten to Your keeping,” and then went about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members. In her shopping cart he was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her why she was buying cat food when she hated cats so much.
She replied, “You won’t believe this but I have been refusing to buy my little girl a cat even though she has been begging for one. Finally I told her that if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.
“I watched my child go out into the yard, get on her knees and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky with its paws spread out and landed right in front of her. Of course I had to let her keep the kitten since it came from God. . . .”
From The Daily Dilly Quoted from PreachingNow Email list
God? Are You Really There?
Little Jimmy was laying on a hill in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God.
“God? Are you really there?” Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?”
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, “God? What is a million years like to you?”
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God
responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. “A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute.”
“Oh,” said Jimmy. “Well, then, what’s a million dollars like to you?” “A
million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny.”
“Wow!” remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. “You’re so generous… can I have one of your pennies?”
God replied, “Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute.”
Is God Deaf?
A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, “Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night’s sleep.”
Suddenly he looked up and shouted, “And don’t forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!”
“There is no need to shout like that,” said his mother. “God isn’t deaf.”
“No,” said the little boy, “but Grandma is.”
Bargaining With God
A mother overheard her young son praying one day: ‘ . . . and if you give me a bike, Lord, then I’ll be good for a whole week.’
She interrupted him and said, ‘Now, Johnny, it’s no good trying to bargain with God. He won’t answer prayers like that!’
A few days later she overheard him praying again: ‘. . . and if you give me a new bike, Lord, I’ll be good for three weeks!’
‘Johnny,’ said his mother ently ‘I thought I told you it was no good trying to strike bargains with the Lord. He doesn’t respond to that sort of prayer.’
A few days later the mother was cleaning the house and, to her amazement, found right at the bottom of the airing cupboard, a little statue of the madonna that had stood on the sideboard. She guessed that this must be something to do with Johnny and went up to his room to find him. He wasn’t there but on the window sill she found a note which read: ‘OK, Lord, if you ever want to see your mother again … !’
The Appropriate Prayer
Two men were walking through a field one day when they spotted an enraged bull. Instantly they darted toward the nearest fence. The storming bull followed in hot pursuit, and it was soon apparent they wouldn’t make it. Terrified, the one shouted to the other, “Put up a prayer, John. We’re in for it!”
John answered, “I can’t. I’ve never made a public prayer in my life.”
“But you must!” implored his companion. “The bull is catching up to us.”
“All right,” panted John, “I’ll say the only prayer I know, the one my father used to repeat at the table: ‘O Lord, for what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful.’”
Quoted from net153.com email list
Answers To Prayer
A pastor had a little kitten stuck up in a tree, and the kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. But as he moved just a little too far, the rope broke. The tree snapped upright and the kitten instantly sailed through the air and out of sight.
He felt just terrible and walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they had seen a little kitten. Nobody had and finally he prayed, “Lord, I commit this kitten to Your keeping,” and then went about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members. In her shopping cart he was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her why she was buying cat food when she hated cats so much.
She replied, “You won’t believe this but I have been refusing to buy my little girl a cat even though she has been begging for one. Finally I told her that if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.
“I watched my child go out into the yard, get on her knees and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky with its paws spread out and landed right in front of her. Of course I had to let her keep the kitten since it came from God. . . .”
From The Daily Dilly Quoted from PreachingNow Email list
Praying For Rain
The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
“What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.” her mother said.
“It’s too late!” the little girl said. “I’ve already prayed for rain!”
Quoted from net153.com email list
After The Service
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service”