Three guys went out to play golf. Moses teed off, and his ball landed in the water trap. He walked to the water, held out his club, and the water parted. He hit his ball onto the green. Jesus teed off, and his ball went into the same water trap. He calmly walked on the water, hit his ball and watched it land on the green. The third player teed off, and his ball headed straight for the same water trap. It landed on a lily pad, where it was grabbed by a frog who mistook it for dinner. Before he could swallow it, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog. As he flew off, the frog dropped the ball. The ball landed on a car driving on the nearby freeway, bounced off the hood of the car, back onto the golf course. It then bounced off a tree and went straight into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing golf with your Dad!”
All posts by SandyM
Adam Is Lonely
One day GOD says to Adam,
“I’ve noticed that you are lonely, and I’ve decieded to make you a partner. This partner will fulfill every desire, wait on you hand and foot, never argue or talk back to you, and will take care of you for the rest of the days of your life.” Adam, skeptical about this, says “What’s it gonna cost me?” GOD replies, “One eye, your left leg and you right hand.” Adam then replies, “What can I get for a rib?”
The Importance Of Having Your Email Correct!
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota who decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made to have the husband leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following him one day later. The man made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. However, he left off one letter in typing his wife’s email address and sent the email off without realizing his error. In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a pastor of many years who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from her husband’s relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman’s son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: To My Loving Wife: I’ve just been checked in. Everything has-been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Your Devoted Husband. PS: Sure is hot down here
Quoted from funny(at)153.com email list
The Old Family Bible
There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk. “Only the Ten Commandments,” answered the lady.
Answers To Prayer
A pastor had a little kitten stuck up in a tree, and the kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. But as he moved just a little too far, the rope broke. The tree snapped upright and the kitten instantly sailed through the air and out of sight.
He felt just terrible and walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they had seen a little kitten. Nobody had and finally he prayed, “Lord, I commit this kitten to Your keeping,” and then went about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members. In her shopping cart he was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her why she was buying cat food when she hated cats so much.
She replied, “You won’t believe this but I have been refusing to buy my little girl a cat even though she has been begging for one. Finally I told her that if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.
“I watched my child go out into the yard, get on her knees and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky with its paws spread out and landed right in front of her. Of course I had to let her keep the kitten since it came from God. . . .”
From The Daily Dilly Quoted from PreachingNow Email list
The Appropriate Prayer
Two men were walking through a field one day when they spotted an enraged bull. Instantly they darted toward the nearest fence. The storming bull followed in hot pursuit, and it was soon apparent they wouldn’t make it. Terrified, the one shouted to the other, “Put up a prayer, John. We’re in for it!”
John answered, “I can’t. I’ve never made a public prayer in my life.”
“But you must!” implored his companion. “The bull is catching up to us.”
“All right,” panted John, “I’ll say the only prayer I know, the one my father used to repeat at the table: ‘O Lord, for what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful.'”
Quoted from net153.com email list
Bargaining With God
A mother overheard her young son praying one day: ‘ . . . and if you give me a bike, Lord, then I’ll be good for a whole week.’
She interrupted him and said, ‘Now, Johnny, it’s no good trying to bargain with God. He won’t answer prayers like that!’
A few days later she overheard him praying again: ‘. . . and if you give me a new bike, Lord, I’ll be good for three weeks!’
‘Johnny,’ said his mother ently ‘I thought I told you it was no good trying to strike bargains with the Lord. He doesn’t respond to that sort of prayer.’
A few days later the mother was cleaning the house and, to her amazement, found right at the bottom of the airing cupboard, a little statue of the madonna that had stood on the sideboard. She guessed that this must be something to do with Johnny and went up to his room to find him. He wasn’t there but on the window sill she found a note which read: ‘OK, Lord, if you ever want to see your mother again … !’
Is God Deaf?
A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, “Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night’s sleep.”
Suddenly he looked up and shouted, “And don’t forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!”
“There is no need to shout like that,” said his mother. “God isn’t deaf.”
“No,” said the little boy, “but Grandma is.”
God? Are You Really There?
Little Jimmy was laying on a hill in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God.
“God? Are you really there?” Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?”
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, “God? What is a million years like to you?”
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God
responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. “A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute.”
“Oh,” said Jimmy. “Well, then, what’s a million dollars like to you?” “A
million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny.”
“Wow!” remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. “You’re so generous… can I have one of your pennies?”
God replied, “Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute.”
Church Growth
Johnny’s mother looked out the window and noticed him “playing church” with their cat. The cat was sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water. She called out, “Johnny, stop that! The cat’s afraid of water!” Johnny looked up at her and said, “He should have thought about that before he joined my church.”
A Pastor And His Church
A pastor fell out with his church. After bitter arguments, he decided to leave to take up a job as a prison chaplain. He preached his last sermon at the church on John 14:1: “I go to prepare a place for you.”
A Short Sermon
C.H. Spurgeon once asked a student who was training for ministry to preach a sermon with no preparation. The result merits an entry in the Guinness Book of World Records for the shortest sermon ever. Appropriately, it was on the subject of Zacchaeus, and this is how it went:
“First, Zacchaeus was a man of very small stature; so am I.
Second, Zacchaeus was very much up a tree; so am I.
Third, Zacchaeus made haste and came down; so will I.”
With that, the student sat down to shouts of more more from his fellows. Spurgeon stated he could not improve on that if he tried!
Excuses
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you’d realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic. For example: Reasons Not To Wash
1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can’t decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I’ll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can’t spare the time
After The Service
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service”
Confusion In A Welsh Parish
There was some confusion in a Welsh parish at one time when both curates all the name of Evans. This was short lived as soon one became known as Evans the Trinity, and the other as Evans the Holy Ghost. Both men were flattered to hear this until they discovered that they had been called this because one was incomprehensible and the other was indivisible. The confusion got worse when the new rector arrived also called Evans. But this was easily sorted, he was quickly called Evans above.
Nuns And Greed
There was a very fat nun who dearly loved her food. She was cautioned by the Mother Superior on the subject of greed. ‘Remember,’ she was told, ‘the Bible says that we are temples of the Holy Spirit, and therefore we should respect our bodies and show restraint.’
For a while the lesson apparently went home and it was noticed that the nun ate much less than before. But then, alas, it became obvious at meal times that she was back to her former ways. Again she was on the carpet for a reprimand. ‘You seem to be forgetting what 1 said about being temples of the Holy Spirit sister,’ said her Superior.
With a beatific smile the nun replied, ‘Well, it was while 1 was praying the other day Mother, that 1 seemed to hear a voice that said, ‘Sister, you are not a temple of the Holy Spirit, you are a basilica.’
The Farmer’s Advert
There was a farmer who was lonely and so he put an ad in the personal column which read:
Farmer seeks lady with tractor with view to companionship and possible marriage. Please send picture ………. of tractor.
Honey, Can You Hear Me?
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, “Honey, can you hear me?” There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, “Honey, can you hear me?” Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, “Honey, can you hear me?” She replied, “For the third time, Yes!”
An Argument
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.” So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away. They did spreadsheets, they wrote reports, they sent faxes, they sent out e-mails, they sent out e-mails with attachments, they downloaded, they did some genealogy reports, they made cards, they did every know job. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. Of course the electricity went off. After the rain stopped the electricity came back on. Satan was angry. He screamed, “I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus’ work?” Jesus sat and smiled. Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed, and when he pushed “print” it was all there. “How did he do it?” Satan asked. God smiled and said, “Jesus Saves.”
Forgive Us Our Trespasses
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 100 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.”
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”