A little boy was sick on Palm Sunday and stayed home from church with his mother. His father returned from church holding a palm branch. The little boy was curious and asked, “Why do you have that palm branch, dad?” “You see, when Jesus came into town, everyone waved Palm Branches to honor him, so we got Palm Branches today.” The little boy replied, ” Aw Shucks! The one Sunday I miss is the Sunday that Jesus shows up!”
Quoted from www.fbcpendleton.org/sermons/4-16-00.htm
35. Government worker.
34. Legally drunk.
33. Exact estimate.
32. Act naturally.
31. Found missing.
30. Resident alien.
29. Genuine imitation.
28. Airline food.
27. Good grief.
26. Government organization.
25. Sanitary landfill.
24. Alone together.
23. Small crowd.
22. Business ethics.
21. Soft rock.
20. Butt head.
19. Military intelligence.
18. Sweet sorrow.
17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)
16. “Now, then…”
15. Passive aggression.
14. Clearly misunderstood.
13. Peace force.
12. Extinct life.
11. Plastic glasses.
10. Terribly pleased.
9. Computer security.
8. Political science.
7. Tight slacks.
6. Definite maybe.
5. Pretty ugly.
4. Rap music.
3. Working vacation.
2. Religious tolerance.
And the number one top Oxymoron of all time…
1. Microsoft Works.
POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Witticism 1: Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are thunder and lightning.
Witticism 2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Witticism 3: Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Witticism 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Witticism 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Witticism 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Witticism 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Witticism 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.
Witticism 9: Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one
husband.
Witticism 10: Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven? “I asked the children in my Sunday School class. “NO!” the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?” Again, the answer was, “NO!
“”Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again. Again, they all answered, “NO!”
“Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”
A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”
Quoted from funny(at)net153.com email list
The bishop’s car ran out of petrol, but much to his relief his wife remembered passing a garage half a mile back down the road. He searched the boot for a container, but he could only find his baby grandson’s potty, so it had to do! He trudged to the petrol station, then back with a full container.
The leader of a new church, driving by, recognised a fellow Christian in need and stopped his car to offer help. As he approached he saw the bishop pour the contents of the potty into the tank. The man gasped: ‘If I’d known they had faith like that in the Church of England I’d never have left!’
From Ready Salted by Peter Graystone p25
Some years ago radio evangelist Charles E. Fuller announced that he would speak the following Sunday on “Heaven.” It was to be broadcast on radio. During that week he received a letter from an old man who was very ill. Here is part of that letter:
“Next Sunday you are to talk about “Heaven.” I am interested in that land because I have held a clear title to a bit of property there for over 55 years. I did not buy it. It was given to me without money and without price. But the donor purchased it for me at a tremendous sacrifice. I am not holding it for speculation since the title is non-transferable. It is not a vacant lot.
“For more than a half-century I have been sending material out of which the greatest architect and builder of the universe has been building a home for me, which will never need to be repaired because it will suit me perfectly, individually, and will never grow old.
“Termites can never undermine its foundation for it rests upon the Rock of Ages. Fire cannot destroy it. Floods cannot wash it away. No locks or bolts will ever be placed upon its doors, for no vicious person can ever enter that land where my dwelling stands, now almost completed and ready for me to enter it and abide in peace eternally without fear of being ejected.
“There is a valley of deep shadow between the place where I live in California and that to which I shall journey in a very short time. I cannot reach my home in the City of God without passing through the dark valley of shadows. But I am not afraid, because the best friend that I have ever had went through the same valley alone, a long, long, time ago and drove away all the gloom. He has stuck by me through thick and thin since we first met and became acquainted 55 years ago, and I hold His promise in printed form, never to forsake nor to leave me alone. He will be with me as I walk through the valley of shadows, and I shall not lose my way when He is with me.
“I hope to hear your sermon on “Heaven” next Sunday from my home, but I have no assurance that I shall be able to do so. My ticket to heaven has no date marked for the journey…no return coupon…and no permit for baggage. Yes, I am ready to go and may not be here while you are talking next Sunday, but I shall meet you there some day.”
–Author Unknown
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
“Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,” the biker says. “I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can’t do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife cheating with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!”
A surgeon, a civil engineer, and a software engineer were chatting. The discussion rolled around to whose profession was the oldest.
The surgeon said that his was, since in the Book of Genesis, God created Eve from one of Adam’s ribs, and surely that involved surgery.
The civil engineer countered by saying that before God created man, he created the heavens and the Earth from chaos, surely a feat of civil engineering.
The software engineer just smiled and said, “Where do you think chaos came from?”
Quoted from net153.com email list
At the end of Sunday School little Joey asked his teacher a question:
“Mr. Goldblatt,” announced little Joey, “there’s something I can’t figure out.”
“What’s that, Joey?” asked Goldblatt.
“Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”
“Right.”
“And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?” “Er, right.”
“And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?” “Again you’re right.”
“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?”
“All that is right, too,” agreed Goldblatt. “So what’s your question?”
“What were all the grown-ups doing?”
A teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
“Here is the situation,” she said.
“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
“His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”
A little girl raised her hand and suggested, “To draw out all his savings?”
Quoted from funny(at)net153.com email list
A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, “It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.”
“The body consists of three parts – the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”
“Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.”
“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”
“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.”
“When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.”
“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”
“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
“A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”
“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
“The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.”
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”
“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”
“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”
“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”
“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”
“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”
“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”
“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”
“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”
“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”
“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”
“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.”
“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”
Quoted from http://www.innovation.cc/humour.htm
Little Johnny’s father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them. Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.
His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops room and then say to him “It’s the boy, my Lord, it’s time to get up.”
Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said, “It’s the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!”
Quoted from funny(at)net153.com email list
There was a very rich man who was just about to die and he wanted to take some of his wealth with him. So he started negotiations with God about the matter. God was not sure as it had never been done before and he did not want to set a precedence. Finally after long talks God reluctantly agreed to allow him to bring his wealth to heaven.
Just a few days before he died the rich man converted all his money into gold bullion. He died and the funeral home made sure that the suitcases containing the gold bullion went with him. He arrived at the Pearly Gates with his suitcases and there was Peter. Peter told him he could not bring the suitcases into heaven. But the man said he had already spoken to God and he had said it was OK. So Peter got on the God phone and sure enough it was true. So Peter was curious as to what was so valuable that the man wanted to bring it into heaven. Peter said, “Could I look in the suitcases?”
So the man opened the suitcases and Peter exclaimed, “You brought paving stones to heaven!”
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, “What’s that?” Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped
their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?”
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”
A fire started in the grasslands close to a farm. The county fire department rushed to the scene, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested calling the volunteer fire department. Despite some doubt that they would be of any assistance, they were called. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firefighters jumped from the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the centre of the fire and leaving two parts which were easily put out. As the farmer watched all this, he was impressed and grateful that his house and farm had been spared. He quickly got his chequebook and donated $1000 to the volunteer fire department. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain how they planned to use the funds. The captain replied, “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes on our fire truck fixed!”
Following a great sermon on lifestyle evangelism one family thought they had better do something to witness to Jesus. So they invited their neighbours to dinner the following Friday night.
When it came to the meal, the hostess was keen to show their neighbours that they upheld Christian standards in their home.
So she asked little 5 year old Johnny to say grace.
Little Johnny was a bit shy. “I don’t know what to say” There was an awkward pause, followed by a reassuring smile from the boy’s mother.
“Well darling,” she said, ” just say what Daddy said at breakfast this morning.”
Obediently, the boy repeated, “Oh God, we’ve got those awful people coming to dinner tonight”
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.
Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”
“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said.
“You don’t even know your way to the post office.”
Quoted from funny(at)net153.com email list
A new vicar moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back ‘Revelation 3:20’ and stuck it in the door. The next day, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his verse was written the words ‘Genesis 3:10’. Look it up.