All posts by SandyM

Mahatma Gandhi

Bible, Bible - Authority Of

Mahatma Gandhi spoke forcefully to Christians when he said, “You Christians have in your keeping a document with enough dynamite in it to blow the whole of civilization to bits, to turn society upside down, to bring peace to this war-torn world. But you read it as if it were just good literature, and nothing else.”

Basic Information Before Leaving Earth

Bible

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!” His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?” The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father. “So, Son, what does the Bible mean?”

“That’s easy, Daddy. It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'”

B – BASIC
I – INSTRUCTIONS
B – BEFORE
L – LEAVING
E- EARTH

Quoted from net153.com Email list

Centre Of The Bible

Bible

What is the shortest chapter in the Bible? (Answer – Psalms 117)

What is the longest chapter in the Bible? (Answer – Psalms 119)

Which chapter is in the center of the Bible (Answer – Psalms 118)

Fact: There are 594 chapters before Psalms 118

Fact: There are 594 chapters after Psalms 118

Add these numbers up and you get 1188

What is the center verse in the Bible? (Answer – Psalms 118:8)

Psalms 118:8 (NKJV) “It is better to trust in the LORD than to put
confidence in man.”

Quoted from funny(at)net153.com Submitted by Debbie T.

The Bible in 2 Minutes

Bible

1st off,
nothing… but God
2nd off,
God
starts it all up and
WHAP!
Stuff everywhere.
The snake does some word twising
Adam and eve fall for it
God
kicks them out of heaven on earth
death strolls in
They make babies
But the evil/good ratio goes through the roof
God
turns the flood taps on
“waterworld!”
Only noah’s family and the animals survive
to see the rainbow
“Never again” quote God
More babies
Then Abraham –
The 1st jew
And his boys
Isaac,Jacob and Joseph
400 years on
the Jews are a nation
but just slave labour for Pharoah
Then God waves them out of Egypt through the red sea into the desert via 10 plagues
Moses downloads the contract –
the big ten rules
The Jews break them all
Grumbling round the desert
for 40 years
once Joshua gets them into a land with milk and honey on draught
king David sorts out the giant goliath between recording his greatest hits compilation
Solomon comes out with some wise one-liners
Then naff king after naff king
Messing up the people
Elijah and the other couriers can’t stop the rot
So God lets the Babylon army
Trash Jerusalem
And the Jews are carted off
As slave labour
Again
Daniel gets to sleep
with the lions
Isaiah predicts a liberator
Esther stops a holocause attempt
and, 70 years on,
the jews trek back to do construction work in Jerusalem
But no shift in attitude:
More idol promises
wind God up.
So he stops
talking to them for 400 years.
Dot
Dot
Dot
Enter Jesus the Liberator
– good with hammers and nails
but he takes a career change at 30
and kicks off a 3 year
“heaven on earth” tour
with his mobile miracle clinic
and loads of stories
and questions
His team 12 love it
The public love it
The religious suits don’t!
Dodgy trial
Punishment beatings
Public execution
-more hammers and nails
2 days later he’s back
having sorted out death
He’s launching the
Jesus Liberation movement
Via Paul Benson
His foreign rep.
Who’s sending out loads of emails
Updating people on what it means that
Jesus came back to do
The sequel:
‘With God in us
We can bring heaven on earth
Bit By Bit’
All ending up with Jonno’s general memo
On how things are going to get
Wrapped up:
The snake gets bbQd
The Jesus liberation movement get limitless life
Heaven on earth
Absolutely!

The bible in 2 mins – Rob Lacey

The Bible In 50 Words

Bible

God made,
Adam bit,
Noah arked,
Abraham split,
Joseph ruled,
Jacob fooled,
bush talked,
Moses balked,
Pharaoh plagued,
people walked,
sea divided,
tablets guided,
promise landed,
Saul freaked,
David peeked,
prophets warned,
Jesus born,
God walked,
love talked,
anger crucified,
hope died,
Love rose,
Spirit flamed,
Word spread,
God remained.

Mixed Up Bible History

Bible

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. I’m not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat, and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten Commandments. These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I’m not supposed to say, but my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor they father and they mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was!’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands, instead.

Anyway, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Quoted from: www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi

What If The Bible Was As Important As Our Mobile Phones?

Bible, YouTube Videos

Ever wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our mobile phone

  • What if we carried it around in our pockets or purses?
  • What if we flipped through it several times a day?
  • What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
  • What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
  • What if we treated it like we couldn’t live without it?
  • What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
  • What if we used it when we traveled?
  • What if we used it in case of emergency?

This is something to make you go … Hmmmmm … where is my Bible?

Oh, and one more thing … unlike our mobile phone, we don’t have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill.

Makes you stop and think ‘where are my priorities’?

The March Of The Unqualified

Bible, YouTube Videos

God can’t use me or at least shouldn’t use me. We’ve probably all thought it at some point. However, studying the Bible shows us that many flawed people were used by God in powerful ways. They were just as unqualified as you. So now what’s your excuse?

Adapted from the writings of Matt Tullos.

From Ignitermedia a high quality edition of this is on their website at www.ignitermedia.com

 

Broken Trust

Betrayal, Trust

When we discover that someone we trusted can be trusted no longer, it forces us back onto some bleak, jutting edge in a dark pierced by sheets of fire, swept by sheets of rain, in a world before kinship or naming or tenderness exist; we are brought close to formlessness.

Professional Ethics, K Lebacqz, p17

Compliments of the Author

Belief

There was once a little girl who wanted to give her grandmother a very special gift. She bought a beautiful Bible, but decided that she needed to write something special in it. She looked through some of her father’s books, and in one of his favorite books she found an inscription she liked that she copied into the Bible. When the grandmother opened the Bible, she opened the front cover and there read, “To Granny, with the compliments of the Author.” That is who Jesus is, the gateway to heaven, compliments of the Author.

Rev. Jack W. Baca, “Images of Jesus: The Gate”

Too Foolish To Be Believed

Belief, Faith, Trust

Several years ago, the dazed crew members of a Japanese trawler were plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship’s loss. Every single one of them claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. Impossible!

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield. They forced the cow into the plane’s hold and hastily took off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

Some things sound foolish, but turn out to be true. That includes much of what we believe as Christians. “You believe that God somehow caused a virgin to bear a child, a boy who was fully man and yet fully God? You believe that he actually raised people from the dead and walked on water and fed thousands of people with a plateful of food? You believe that, after being crucified and buried, he somehow managed to raise himself from the dead?”

To many people it sounds too foolish to be believed. But it’s all true!

“For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God….For since, in the wisdom of God, the world through wisdom did not know God, it pleased God through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe…..Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.” (I Cor. 1:18,21,25)

From The Sermon Fodder Email List

The Tightrope Walker

Belief, Faith, Trust

There was a tightrope walker, who did incredible aerial feats. All over Paris, he would do tightrope acts at tremendously scary heights. Then he had succeeding acts; he would do it blindfolded, then he would go across the tightrope, blindfolded, pushing a wheelbarrow. An American promoter read about this in the papers and wrote a letter to the tightrope walker, saying, “Tightrope, I don’t believe you can do it, but I’m willing to make you an offer. For a very substantial sum of money, besides all your transportation fees, I would like to challenge you to do your act over Niagara Falls.” Now, Tightrope wrote back, “Sir, although I’ve never been to America and seen the Falls, I’d love to come.” Well, after a lot of promotion and setting the whole thing up, many people came to see the event. Tightrope was to start on the Canadian side and come to the American side. Drums roll, and he comes across the rope which is suspended over the treacherous part of the falls — blindfolded!! And he makes it across easily. The crowds go wild, and he comes to the promoter and says, “Well, Mr. Promoter, now do you believe I can do it?” “Well of course I do. I mean, I just saw you do it.” “No,” said Tightrope, “do you really believe I can do it?” “Well of course I do, you just did it.” “No, no, no,” said Tightrope, “do you believe I can do it?” “Yes,” said Mr. Promoter, “I believe you can do it.” “Good,” said Tightrope, “then you get in the wheel barrow.”

The Devil’s Beatitudes 2

Beatitudes

BLESSED are they who are too tired & busy to go to church on Sunday: for they are my best workers.
BLESSED are they who are bored with the preacher’s & teacher’s mannerisms and mistakes: for they will get nothing out of the services.
BLESSED is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church: he is an important member to me.
BLESSED are they who do not go to church on Sunday evening: they cause the world to say “The church is failing.”
BLESSED are they who gossip: for they cause strife and division, which pleases me much.
BLESSED are they who are easily offended: they soon get angry and quit.
BLESSED are they who do not give of their tithes and offerings to carry on God’s work: they are my helpers.
BLESSED is he who professed to love God but hates his brother: he shall live with me forever.
BLESSED is he who has no time to pray: he will be an easy prey.
BLESSED is he who doesn’t read God’s word: he will follow me readily.

John & Cathy O’Brien Missionaries to Russia

The Devil’s Beatitudes

Beatitudes

If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would probably go something like this:

1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians – they are my best workers.

2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked-I can use them.

3. Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church-they are my missionaries.

4. Blessed are the trouble makers-they shall be called my children.

5. Blessed are the complainers – I’m all ears to them.

6. Blessed are those who are bored with the minister’s mannerisms and mistakes – for they get nothing out of his sermons.

7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church – for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.

8. Blessed are those who gossip – for they shall cause strife and divisions that please me.

9. Blessed are those who are easily offended-for they will soon get angry and quit.

10. Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God’s work-for they are my helpers.

11. Blessed is he who professes to love God but hates his brother and sister – for he shall be with me forever.

12. Blessed are you who, when you read this think it is about other people and not yourself – I’ve got you too!

Quoted from funny(at)net153.com email list