The Bible in 2 Minutes

1st off,
nothing… but God
2nd off,
starts it all up and
Stuff everywhere.
The snake does some word twising
Adam and eve fall for it
kicks them out of heaven on earth
death strolls in
They make babies
But the evil/good ratio goes through the roof
turns the flood taps on
Only noah’s family and the animals survive
to see the rainbow
“Never again” quote God
More babies
Then Abraham –
The 1st jew
And his boys
Isaac,Jacob and Joseph
400 years on
the Jews are a nation
but just slave labour for Pharoah
Then God waves them out of Egypt through the red sea into the desert via 10 plagues
Moses downloads the contract –
the big ten rules
The Jews break them all
Grumbling round the desert
for 40 years
once Joshua gets them into a land with milk and honey on draught
king David sorts out the giant goliath between recording his greatest hits compilation
Solomon comes out with some wise one-liners
Then naff king after naff king
Messing up the people
Elijah and the other couriers can’t stop the rot
So God lets the Babylon army
Trash Jerusalem
And the Jews are carted off
As slave labour
Daniel gets to sleep
with the lions
Isaiah predicts a liberator
Esther stops a holocause attempt
and, 70 years on,
the jews trek back to do construction work in Jerusalem
But no shift in attitude:
More idol promises
wind God up.
So he stops
talking to them for 400 years.
Enter Jesus the Liberator
– good with hammers and nails
but he takes a career change at 30
and kicks off a 3 year
“heaven on earth” tour
with his mobile miracle clinic
and loads of stories
and questions
His team 12 love it
The public love it
The religious suits don’t!
Dodgy trial
Punishment beatings
Public execution
-more hammers and nails
2 days later he’s back
having sorted out death
He’s launching the
Jesus Liberation movement
Via Paul Benson
His foreign rep.
Who’s sending out loads of emails
Updating people on what it means that
Jesus came back to do
The sequel:
‘With God in us
We can bring heaven on earth
Bit By Bit’
All ending up with Jonno’s general memo
On how things are going to get
Wrapped up:
The snake gets bbQd
The Jesus liberation movement get limitless life
Heaven on earth

The bible in 2 mins – Rob Lacey