BLESSED are they who are too tired & busy to go to church on Sunday: for they are my best workers.
BLESSED are they who are bored with the preacher’s & teacher’s mannerisms and mistakes: for they will get nothing out of the services.
BLESSED is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church: he is an important member to me.
BLESSED are they who do not go to church on Sunday evening: they cause the world to say “The church is failing.”
BLESSED are they who gossip: for they cause strife and division, which pleases me much.
BLESSED are they who are easily offended: they soon get angry and quit.
BLESSED are they who do not give of their tithes and offerings to carry on God’s work: they are my helpers.
BLESSED is he who professed to love God but hates his brother: he shall live with me forever.
BLESSED is he who has no time to pray: he will be an easy prey.
BLESSED is he who doesn’t read God’s word: he will follow me readily.

John & Cathy O’Brien Missionaries to Russia

If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would probably go something like this:

1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians – they are my best workers.

2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked-I can use them.

3. Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church-they are my missionaries.

4. Blessed are the trouble makers-they shall be called my children.

5. Blessed are the complainers – I’m all ears to them.

6. Blessed are those who are bored with the minister’s mannerisms and mistakes – for they get nothing out of his sermons.

7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church – for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.

8. Blessed are those who gossip – for they shall cause strife and divisions that please me.

9. Blessed are those who are easily offended-for they will soon get angry and quit.

10. Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God’s work-for they are my helpers.

11. Blessed is he who professes to love God but hates his brother and sister – for he shall be with me forever.

12. Blessed are you who, when you read this think it is about other people and not yourself – I’ve got you too!

Quoted from funny(at)net153.com email list