Witticism 1: Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are thunder and lightning.

Witticism 2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Witticism 3: Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Witticism 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Witticism 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Witticism 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Witticism 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Witticism 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.

Witticism 9: Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one
husband.

Witticism 10: Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

In the art of marriage, the little things are big things….

It’s never being too old to hold hands.
It’s remembering to say “I love you” at least once each day.
It’s never going to sleep angry.
It’s having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together, facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is not only marrying the right partner, but also being the right partner.

Quoted from www.cybersalt.org email list

Bob attended a seminar on interpersonal relationships and became convinced that he needed to do a better job of showing appreciation to his wife. So on his way home from work he picked up a dozen long-stem roses and a box of chocolates. He was eager to see how excited his wife would be at this example of appreciation.

As Bob walked in the door with a big grin, he met his wife in the hallway – and she burst into tears.

“What’s wrong, honey?” Bob asked.

“It’s been a terrible day,” she exclaimed. “First, Tommy tried to flush a diaper down the toilet. Then the dishwasher quit working. Sally came home from school with her legs all scratched, and now you come home drunk!”

(from Am I Making Myself Clear? by Terry Felber, Thomas Nelson Publishers)
Quoted from http://www.preaching.com email list

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” Explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. One more my wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’ We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.'”

As their wedding day approached, a young couple grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The groom-to-be decided to ask his father for advice. “Father,” he said, I’m concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancee very much, but I have smelly feet. I’m afraid that my future wife will find them, and me, disgusting.”

“No problem,” said his father, ‘All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed.”

The young man thought this sounded like a workable solution.

Likewise, the bride-to-be decided to take her problem to her mom. “Mom,” she said, “when I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful!’

Her mother advised, In the morning, get straight out of bed, head for the bathroom, and brush your teeth. Don’t say a word until you’ve brushed them-not a word.”

The bride-to-be thought the suggestion was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple was finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received-he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence-they managed quite well.

About six months later, shortly before dawn, the husband woke up horrified to discover that one of his socks had come off during the night. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically started searching the bed. This, of course, woke his bride. Without thinking, she blurted out, ‘What on earth are you doing?”

”Oh no! ” he gasped as he recoiled in shock. “You’ve swallowed my sock!
Hot Illustrations for Youth Talks 4 – Wayne Rice

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
“How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
From Net153 Email list: www.net153.com

“Marriage is more than finding the right person. It is being the right person.”

Take a cup of kindness
mix it well with love,
Add a lot of patience
and faith in God above,
Sprinkle very generously
with joy and thanks and cheer
And you’ll have lots of “Angel Food”
to feast on all year!!
Helen Steiner Rice

The following is from an actual 1950s home economics book intended for secondary school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.
1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal – on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they
are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimise the noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DONT’S: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lies down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
From A Box of Delights by J. John and Mark Stibble – page 116

All of the below from: home.att.net/~quotations/marriage.html

One advantage of marriage It seems to me Is that when you fall out of love with him Or he falls out of love with you It keeps you together until maybe you fall in again.
–Judith Viorst
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence
–Henry Louis Mencken
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience
–Oscar Wilde
Marriage is like a pair of shears.Oft times working in opposite directions, but punishing anyone that comes between them.
–Sydney Smith
From Lee Daniel Quinn’s book, Quinn’s Devious Dictionary:
MARRIAGE, n.
[1] the dawn of romance and the commencement of history;
[2] a word that should be pronounced as “mirage”;
[3] an event, for the upper middle class, is the only adventure left;
[4] a very good way to promote civilization – if you get a good wife you will be happy, if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher {Socrates};
[5] a process much like a cafeteria – you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best – and pay later;
[6] an event which is called “tying the knot” – unfortunately, the knot can be a noose;
[7] a word which always means commitment – but so does insanity;
[8] a ceremony favored in England – it’s the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating;
[9] something that changes the demeanor of a driver – there is no longer any effort needed to keep both hands on the wheel;
[10] the only permanent cure for love;
[11] is only compatible when the man makes a living and his wife makes living worthwhile;
[12] the only adventure open to the cowardly;
[13] something which is called a feast – unfortunately, sometimes the appetizer is better than the main course;
[14] a group which consists of: a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two;
[15] the alliance of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them;
[16] the process that turns a female from an attraction into a distraction;
[17] a legal custom which turns a man into the captive audience of his wife;
[18] that ceremony which makes more strange bedfellows than politics;
[19] a rite where two people, under the influence most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition until death do them part;
[20] occurs where a man gets hooked by his own line;
[21] in America, is the only legal method of suppressing freedom of speech;
[22] is made out of two toothbrushes but a single tube of toothpaste;
[23] is just a three-ring circus: engagement, wedding, and suffer;
[24] the process of finding out the kind of guy your wife would have preferred;
[25] a condition where no wife gets what she expected, and no husband expected what he was getting;
[26] the ceremony which provides a man with something that, sooner or later, he will find he can’t blame on the government;
[27] a tradition which would suffer considerably if men had to pay the minister the same fee they will eventually have to pay the divorce lawyer;
[28] is much like a pair of shears, so joined so the parts cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who tries to come between them;
[29] the continuous process of getting used to things you never expected;
[30] a status which depends upon two to be successful but only one to turn into a failure;
[31] is a book in which the first chapter is written in poetry and the rest of the pages is prose;
[32] a bargain, and a sensible person understands that someone must get the better of any bargain;
[33] in Japanese is called “Judo” – the art of conquering by yielding. This is the western equivalent of “Yes, dear”;
[34] a confrontation which always demands the greatest understanding of the subtle art of insincerity possible between two human beings;
[35] is not a word, but a sentence;
[36] a delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy;
[37] an investment that pays big dividends if you manage to keep up the interest.
These marriage definitions are just 37 of 5,000+ definitions appearing in Quinn’s Devious Dictionary. Available from him at words@iop.com for $25 (postage paid) in the USA. Follow this link to see the first chapter.
The following was adapted from Speaker’s Sourcebook II by Glenn Van Ekeren:
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.
–Sam Levenson
What you are as a single person, you will be as a married person, only to a greater degree. Any negative character trait will be intensified in a marriage relationship, because you will feel free to let your guard down — that person has committed himself to you and you no longer have to worry about scaring him off.
–Josh McDowell – Secrets of Loving
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
–Bill Cosby
The kind of marriage you make depends upon the kind of person you are. If you are a happy, well-adjusted person, the chances are your marriage will be a happy one. If you have made adjustments so far with more satisfaction than distress, you are likely to make your marriage and family adjustments satisfactorily. If you are discontented and bitter about your lot in life, you will have to change before you can expect to live happily ever after.
–Evelyn Duvall and Reuben Hill – – When You Marry
Marriage — as its veterans know well — is the continuous process of getting used to things you hadn’t expected.
–Tom Mullen
The middle years of marriage are the most crucial. In the early years, spouses want each other and in late years, they need each other.
–Rebecca Tilly
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
–Katherine Hepburn
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.
–Cher
Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.
–Tom Mullen
“when two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions. They are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.” –George Bernard Shaw