A Pastor And His Church
A pastor fell out with his church. After bitter arguments, he decided to leave to take up a job as a prison chaplain. He preached his last sermon at the church on John 14:1: “I go to prepare a place for you.”
Church Growth
Johnny’s mother looked out the window and noticed him “playing church” with their cat. The cat was sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water. She called out, “Johnny, stop that! The cat’s afraid of water!” Johnny looked up at her and said, “He should have thought about that before he joined my church.”
Nuns And Greed
There was a very fat nun who dearly loved her food. She was cautioned by the Mother Superior on the subject of greed. ‘Remember,’ she was told, ‘the Bible says that we are temples of the Holy Spirit, and therefore we should respect our bodies and show restraint.’
For a while the lesson apparently went home and it was noticed that the nun ate much less than before. But then, alas, it became obvious at meal times that she was back to her former ways. Again she was on the carpet for a reprimand. ‘You seem to be forgetting what 1 said about being temples of the Holy Spirit sister,’ said her Superior.
With a beatific smile the nun replied, ‘Well, it was while 1 was praying the other day Mother, that 1 seemed to hear a voice that said, ‘Sister, you are not a temple of the Holy Spirit, you are a basilica.’Confusion In A Welsh Parish
There was some confusion in a Welsh parish at one time when both curates all the name of Evans. This was short lived as soon one became known as Evans the Trinity, and the other as Evans the Holy Ghost. Both men were flattered to hear this until they discovered that they had been called this because one was incomprehensible and the other was indivisible. The confusion got worse when the new rector arrived also called Evans. But this was easily sorted, he was quickly called Evans above.
Honey, Can You Hear Me?
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, “Honey, can you hear me?” There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, “Honey, can you hear me?” Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, “Honey, can you hear me?” She replied, “For the third time, Yes!”
The Farmer’s Advert
There was a farmer who was lonely and so he put an ad in the personal column which read:
Farmer seeks lady with tractor with view to companionship and possible marriage. Please send picture ………. of tractor.Forgive Us Our Trespasses
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 100 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.”
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”An Argument
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.” So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away. They did spreadsheets, they wrote reports, they sent faxes, they sent out e-mails, they sent out e-mails with attachments, they downloaded, they did some genealogy reports, they made cards, they did every know job. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. Of course the electricity went off. After the rain stopped the electricity came back on. Satan was angry. He screamed, “I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus’ work?” Jesus sat and smiled. Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed, and when he pushed “print” it was all there. “How did he do it?” Satan asked. God smiled and said, “Jesus Saves.”
Alleluia God Is Great!
A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. “Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!” he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.
Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.
“Hey” asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, “Don’t you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle.”
The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the “realities” of the miracles of the Bible. “That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across.”
The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.
“Wow!” exclaimed the boy happily, “God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!”
What’s It Like To Be A Christian?
A man who had recently come to faith was explaining to a friend what it was like to be a Christian. He said, “It is as if there were two dogs inside me and they are always fighting.”
“Which one wins?” asked the friend.
“It depends which one I feed,” he replied.