A surgeon, a civil engineer, and a software engineer were chatting. The discussion rolled around to whose profession was the oldest.
The surgeon said that his was, since in the Book of Genesis, God created Eve from one of Adam’s ribs, and surely that involved surgery.
The civil engineer countered by saying that before God created man, he created the heavens and the Earth from chaos, surely a feat of civil engineering.
The software engineer just smiled and said, “Where do you think chaos came from?”
Quoted from net153.com email list
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope dangling from a helicopter.
Ten were men and one was a woman. They all decided that one person should
get off because if someone didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would
No one could decide who would go, so finally the woman gave a really
touching speech, saying she would give up her life to save the others,
because women were used to sacrifice for their husbands and children,
giving to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking all the men applauded.
Quoted from email@example.com email list
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”.
The dude replies “A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.”
“That’s a lotta money!” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks “Can I take a look inside?”
“Sure” replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says “That’s a pretty nice car, alright!”
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!
The guy wonders “what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?” Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn’t be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man replies “Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!”
Quoted from firstname.lastname@example.org email list
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
Quoted from funny(at)net153.com email list
Where Dogs and Cats Come From
Adam was walking in the garden and cried out to God, “You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”
And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.
And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.”
And the Lord said, “I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t care one way or the other.
Quoted from the SermonFodder email list
A young clergyman was visiting an elderly parishioner one day. Along with the coffee was bowl of peanuts and the young man started eating them. As the conversation went on he continued eating until they were all gone.
Feeling slightly guilty he started to apologise for finishing the bowl of peanuts. The elderly lady replied – ‘Don’t apologise, I can’t eat them anyway as I have lost all my teeth. In any case I’ve already sucked all the chocolate off them!’
Trevor Pearce Community Transformation Consultation Swanwick Nov 2002
One day a primary school teacher was talking about Jonah and the whale. He said that it was impossible that a whale had swallowed Jonah as the whale’s throat was simply not big enough. A young girl disagreed with him saying that the Bible said it had happened so it must be possible.
The discussion went on and both the child and teacher were insistent that they were right.. Finally the girl said that when she got to heaven she would ask Jonah. The teacher replied, ‘but what if Jonah is not in heaven but is in hell?’ Immediately the girl replied, ‘In that case you ask him!’
Trevor Pearce Community Transformation Consultation Swanwick Nov 2002
Two men were walking through a field one day when they spotted an enraged bull. Instantly they darted toward the nearest fence. The storming bull followed in hot pursuit, and it was soon apparent they wouldn’t make it. Terrified, the one shouted to the other, “Put up a prayer, John. We’re in for it!”
John answered, “I can’t. I’ve never made a public prayer in my life.”
“But you must!” implored his companion. “The bull is catching up to us.”
“All right,” panted John, “I’ll say the only prayer I know, the one my father used to repeat at the table: ‘O Lord, for what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful.'”
Quoted from net153.com email list
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first, or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
He answered: I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.
Quoted from http://www.cybersalt.org email list
A new vicar moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back ‘Revelation 3:20’ and stuck it in the door. The next day, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his verse was written the words ‘Genesis 3:10’. Look it up.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Quoted from net153.com email list
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” Explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. One more my wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’ We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.'”
Quoted from net153.com email list
A Parents Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back–not have to think
about what they’re stuffing down the sink,
or who they’re with, or where they’re at
and what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean–
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know–
I must have lost them long ago!
Quoted from: http://www.laughnet.net/archive/misc/parpray.htm
That’s the difference between me and you. I’m paid to be good – you’re good for nothing.
Mike Pilivachi, Soul Survivor 2002
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 100 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.”
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”
A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
“God”, he said, “how long is a million years?”
God answered, “In my frame of reference, it’s about a minute.”
The man asked, “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God answered, “To Me, it’s a penny.”
The man then asked, “God, can I have a penny?”
God said, “In a minute.”
Quoted from net153.com Email list
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn’t even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, “Whoa! What are we going to do?”
Said the other ant: “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to get on the ball.”
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
A couple decided to go to Cyprus for the weekend, but because they both worked it was hard to coordinate their diaries. So they decided the husband would go a day early, and his wife would join him the following day. On arriving, the husband thought he would email his wife from his laptop, but he accidentally mistyped her email address and sent it off without realising.
A widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been ‘called home to glory’ following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends, but instead found this:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!
I’ve just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. (P.S. Sure is hot down here!)
Quoted from Goove Booklets email list
Can it be a mistake that “STRESSED” is “DESSERTS” spelled backward
Ode To the Spell Checker
Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
One day, three men were trekking through a jungle when they came across a violent, raging river. They had no idea how to cross. So the first man decided to pray: ‘Please, God, give me the strength to cross this river.’ Immediately he grew enormous muscles in his arms and legs, and he managed to swim across the river in a couple of hours, nearly drowning twice.
The second man saw this and he prayed ‘Please, God, give me the strength AND the tools to cross this river.’ A boat appeared from nowhere, and he battled across the river in an hour, nearly capsizing twice.
The third man saw this and prayed ‘Please, God, give me the strength, the tools AND the intelligence to cross this river.’ Immediately he turned into a woman. She looked at the map, walked upstream a hundred yards, and crossed over the bridge to the other side.
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, “What are you doing with that dog?”
One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighbourhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie,” and ending with , “Why when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”
From the Eculaugh website
A man went out to fish on a frozen lake. He cut a hole in the ice, dropped his line in and sat for hours without so much as a nibble.
After a while, a boy came along and cut a hole nearby. He baited his line, dropped it in the hole, and within a few minutes caught a fish. He baited his line again, and within another few minutes he had another fish.
The man was incensed, so he went over to the boy and asked him his secret.
‘Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.’
‘What was that?’ the man asked.
Again the boy replied, ‘Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.’
‘Look, I can’t understand a word you’re saying.’
The boy spat into his hand and said, ‘You have to keep the worms warm!’
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a note saying,”I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde”. The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”
TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don’t want to see what is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appt for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which nightwas garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to someone to bear children because men would never be able to handle it.
4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone”, he only ends up getting himself in trouble.
And the NUMBER ONE reason…
1. When God finished the creation of Adam he stepped back, scratched his head and said, “I can do better than that.”
Supposedly the following are true notes (not altered in any way). They were collected by Nisheeth Parekh at the University of Texas medical branch in Galveston.
My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, “Um… No.”
“Or,” the lawyer continued, “that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her pennyless with three children?”
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. God said,”Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.” So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away. They did spreadsheets, they wrote reports, they sent faxes, they sent out e-mails, they sent out e-mails with attachments, they downloaded, they did some genealogy reports, they made cards, they did every know job. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. Of course the electricity went off. After the rain stopped the electricity came back on. Satan was angery. He screamed,”I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus’ work?” Jesus sat and smiled. Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed, and when he pushed “print” it was all there. “How did he do it?” Satan asked. God smiled and said,”Jesus Saves.”
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates of heaven St. Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances of education on earth. To get into heaven he had to answer 3 questions: 1)name two days of the wekk that begin with “T”. 2)How many seconds are in a year? 3) What is God’s first name? Forrest thought for a moment then answered. The two days of the week that start with “T” are Today and Tommorrow. There are 12 seconds in a year, and God has two names, Andy and Howard.” St. Peter said,”Ok i’ll buy the today and tommorrow even though thats what I expected. But how are there 12 seconds in a year?”Forest answered,”January 2nd, February 2nd……”St. Peter replied,”Ok, I give, but what about Gods first name stuff?”Forrest answered St. Peter by saying,”Well, from the song….Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own. Plus the prayer says Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name….” Saint Peter let him in without another word.
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
While eating out and the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20 even though the bill is only $22.50. None will have anything smaller, and none will admit they want change back. When girls get the bill out come the calculators.
With money a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 dollar item she doesn’t want.
In a bathroom a man has 6 items. A toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Holiday Inn. A women has on average 337 items in her bathroom. A man would not be able to identify most of these Items.
In arguments a woman has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beggining of a new argument.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking men kick cats.
A women worries about the future until she gets a husband. A husband doesn’t worry about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, and read a book. A man will get dressed up for weddings and funerals.
A succsessful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.
FUNNY BIBLE QUESTIONS
Was John the Baptist a Southern Baptist?
Did Eve have an Adam’s Apple?
Do Edomites cause an itch?
Is the Leviathon a race where you run 26 miles in blue jeans?
Do you get much honey from the Macabees?
How much does a Pentecost?
How far can a Pharisee?
What makes the virgin Merry?
Was the sermon on the mount delivered on horseback?
What formula do you use to calculate the volume of a Sanhedrin?
How much beer can you pour into a Philistine?
What is par for the Olivet Discourse?
How many cards are in a MelchizeDEK?
Do people in the nation of Cush have it easy?
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter if they answer a question. The question is”What is Easter.” The first blonde replys. She says “Oh, thats easy! Its the holiday in November When all the people get together and eat turkey and give thanks.” St. Peter frowned and went to the second blonde. She replied “Easter is a holiday in December when you put up a green tree and get presents.” St. Peter looked at the ground sighed and went on to the last Blonde. She smiled and said”Oh, I know what Easter is. Its a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and later Jesus was decieved and turned over to the Romans who crucified him,and made him wear a crown of thorns. He was then buried in a nearby cave which was sealed by a large boulder. Well, St. Peter smiled with delight. The third blonde continued. “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out….and, if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter.”
SOMETHINGS TO THINK ABOUT
If it was a three hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes with her.
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing soap contains real lemons?
Why buy a producet that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only be troubled and insecure?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endagered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
I came across a collection of letters that children wrote to Santa Claus. Some of them were pretty good. One said, “Dear Santa, you did not bring me anything good last year. You did not bring me anything good the year before that. This is your last chance. Signed, Alfred.”
My favorite went like this: “Dear Santa, there are three little boys who live at our house. There is Jeffrey; he is 2. There is David; he is 4. And there is Norman; he is 7. Jeffrey is good some of the time. David is good some of the time. But Norman is good all of the time. I am Norman.” But we aren’t Normans. We’re shepherds.
Bruce Thielemann, “Glory to God in the Lowest,” Preaching Today, Tape No. 75
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye.
She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned half an hour later with a black eye.
“Did you get hit by the same person?” his captain asked.
“No,” he replied. “I stepped on the same rake.”
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, “Meat loaf and a kind word.”
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, “Okay, so where’s the kind word?”
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, “Don’t eat the meat loaf.”
A pastor fell out with his church. After bitter arguments, he decided to leave to take up a job as a prison chaplain. He preached his last sermon at the church on John 14:1: “I go to prepare a place for you.”
C.H. Spurgeon once asked a student who was training for ministry to preach a sermon with no preparation. The result merits an entry in the Guinness Book of World Records for the shortest sermon ever. Appropriately, it was on the subject of Zacchaeus, and this is how it went:
“First, Zacchaeus was a man of very small stature; so am I.
Second, Zacchaeus was very much up a tree; so am I.
Third, Zacchaeus made haste and came down; so will I.”
With that, the student sat down to shouts of more more from his fellows. Spurgeon stated he could not improve on that if he tried!
Preacher to congregation: “My job is to preach and your job is to listen. If you finish your job before I have finished mine, I would appreciate it if you were quiet.”
During a Sunday School class the teacher asked, “Who was most unhappy when the prodigal son came home?”
A little boy answered, “The fatted calf.”
A bishop was coming to stay at a rector’s house for the night. The rector’s eight year old son who was excited about the important guest, asked his father if he could take the bishop his tea in the morning. The rector agreed but told his son that he must knock on the door and say, “It’s the boy, my lord. It is time to get up.”
On his way upstairs the nervous boy was clutching the cup and saucer and practising his words. He knocked on the door and the bishop asked, “Who is it?”
The boy replied at the top of his voice, “It’s the Lord, my boy. Your time is up!”
There was a very rich man who was just about to die and he wanted to take some of his wealth with him. So he started negotiations with God about the matter. God was not sure as it had never been done before and he did not want to set a precedence. Finally after long talks God reluctantly agreed to allow him to bring his wealth to heaven.
Just a few days before he died the rich man converted all his money into gold bullion. He died and the funeral home made sure that the suitcases containing the gold bullion went with him. He arrived at the Pearly Gates with his suitcases and there was Peter. Peter told him he could not bring the suitcases into heaven. But the man said he had already spoken to God and he had said it was OK. So Peter got on the God phone and sure enough it was true. So Peter was curious as to what was so valuable that the man wanted to bring it into heaven. Peter said, “Could I look in the suitcases?”
So the man opened the suitcases and Peter exclaimed, “You brought paving stones to heaven!”
A fire started in the grasslands close to a farm. The county fire department rushed to the scene, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested calling the volunteer fire department. Despite some doubt that they would be of any assistance, they were called. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firefighters jumped from the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the centre of the fire and leaving two parts which were easily put out. As the farmer watched all this, he was impressed and grateful that his house and farm had been spared. He quickly got his chequebook and donated $1000 to the volunteer fire department. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain how they planned to use the funds. The captain replied, “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes on our fire truck fixed!”
Three guys went out to play golf. Moses teed off, and his ball landed in the water trap. He walked to the water, held out his club, and the water parted. He hit his ball onto the green. Jesus teed off, and his ball went into the same water trap. He calmly walked on the water, hit his ball and watched it land on the green. The third player teed off, and his ball headed straight for the same water trap. It landed on a lily pad, where it was grabbed by a frog who mistook it for dinner. Before he could swallow it, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog. As he flew off, the frog dropped the ball. The ball landed on a car driving on the nearby freeway, bounced off the hood of the car, back onto the golf course. It then bounced off a tree and went straight into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing golf with your Dad!”
So there’s this Rector who was given a parrot by an old farmer. The trouble was the parrot swore. The rector was fairly easy going but this parrot swore like a sailor, he could swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The Rector thought this is not quite the example that should be being set and in any case this bird’s foul mouth was driving him crazy. One day, it got to be too much, so he grabbed the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “STOP IT!” But this just made the bird mad and he swore more than ever.
To keep it quiet and trying to teach it a lesson the Rector shut the bird in a kitchen cupboard. This again had the opposite effect and really aggravated the bird. He clawed and scratched, finally biting a hole throughthe cupboard door and the bird poked its head through and let out a stream of vulgarities worse than ever.
Just so embarrassed the Rector grabbed the bird and through it into his freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird thumping and thrashing. Then it suddenly gets *very* quiet.
At first the Rector just waits, but then Christian Charity overcomes him as he thinks the bird may be hurt.
After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
There was the parrot calmly sitting there. Without a murmour it climbs onto the Rector’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.”
The Rector was astounded. He couldn’t understand the transformation that had come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, “By the way, could you tell me what did the chicken do wrong?”
A duck hunter took his new hunting retriever out on its first hunt. Soon he shot a duck that fell into the lake. The dog walked over the water picked up the duck and brought it back to his master.
The hunter was flabbergasted! He shot another duck. Once again, while he rubbed his eyes in disbelief, the dog walked over the water and retrieved the duck.
Hardly daring to believe what he had seen he asked his neighbour to go hunting with him the next day. Once again each time he or his neighbour shot a duck, the dog would walk out and bring the bird in.
The man said nothing and neither did his neighbour. Finally he could contain himself no longer and he blurted out, “did you notice anything strange about that dog”
The neighbour scratched his head and finally said, ‘Come to think of it I did, The son of a gun can’t swim.”
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, “Honey, can you hear me?” There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, “Honey, can you hear me?” Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, “Honey, can you hear me?” She replied, “For the third time, Yes!”
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the
end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell. He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.” They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it.” They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”
One day GOD says to Adam,
“I’ve noticed that you are lonely, and I’ve decieded to make you a partner. This partner will fulfill every desire, wait on you hand and foot, never argue or talk back to you, and will take care of you for the rest of the days of your life.” Adam, skeptical about this, says “What’s it gonna cost me?” GOD replies, “One eye, your left leg and you right hand.” Adam then replies, “What can I get for a rib?”
Do you know what would have happened if it had been “Three Wise Women” instead of “Three Wise Men”?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground – and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above – I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope!
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you’d realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic. For example: Reasons Not To Wash
1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can’t decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I’ll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can’t spare the time
An English professor wrote the words, “A woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”
From net153.com internet email list.
Mrs. Johnson the Christian school math teacher was having children do problems on the blackboard. She was constantly trying to incorporate Christian themes in the classroom, but was having trouble making it work for math until she got some unexpected help from a student.
“Who would like to do the first problem, addition?”
No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right.
“Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?”
Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.
“Who would like to do the third problem, division?”
Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right
“Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?”
Johnny’s hand enthusiastically shot up. It surprised everyone in the room because he had previously been avoiding participation. The teachers finally gained her composure in the stunned silence.
“Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?” He said, “The Bible says to go forth and multiply!”
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. “Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.
“So would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”
WE DIDN’T DO IT
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were in some way involved.
The parents were at their wits’ end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, “We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!”
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?”
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?”
The younger brother replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!”
Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Boy: Good cause I didn’t do my homework!
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote, “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly and I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”
From the Cybersalt illustrations email list.
Don’t Trust Strangers
Bishop Ben Oliphint tells the story of Jose Rodriguez, a bank robber who lived in Mexico, but preferred to rob American banks. In the wild days of the west, Jose would slip across the border into Texas, rob a few banks and flee back into Mexico.
One day, a Texas Ranger caught up with him in a saloon. The Ranger pulled his gun and threatened to shoot Jose if he did not tell him immediately where he had hidden all the money he had stolen. The problem was Jose did not speak English. The Ranger did not speak Spanish, and he kept screaming louder and louder, “I’m gonna blow your head off if you don’t tell me where the money is.”
Finally, a young man came over and offered to translate. “Okay,” said the Ranger, “tell him I want to know where all of that money is or I am going to blow off his head.”
The young fellow translated the Ranger’s words, and Jose said in Spanish, “Tell him not to shoot. The money is in a dry well at the end of town. If he removes the bricks with moss growing on them, he will find a million dollars hidden in the well.”
When Jose was finished, the Ranger said to the young man, “What did he say?” “Oh,” said the translator, “he dares you to shoot.”
Sometimes, it isn’t such a good idea to trust strangers.
“Xenophobia – Fear of Strangers,” by Rev. Michael S. Piazza
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, “What’s that?” Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
“What is it made of?” she asked.
“Alligator’s teeth,” the Indian replied.
“I suppose,” she said patronizingly, “that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.”
“Oh no,” he objected. “Anybody can open an oyster.”
A hunter raised his rifle and took careful aim at a large bear.
When about to pull the trigger, the bear spoke in a soft soothing voice, “Isn’t it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let’s negotiate the matter.”
Lowering his rifle, the hunter replied, “I want a fur coat.”
“Good,” said the bear, “that is a negotiable item. I only want a full stomach, so let us sit down and negotiate a compromise.”
They sat down to negotiate and after a time the bear walked away, alone. The negotiations had been successful.
The bear had a full stomach, and the hunter had his fur coat!
How Many Legs Does A Cow Have?
There is a story about Abraham Lincoln who was arguing with a political opponent.
“How many legs does a cow have?” he asked his adversary.
“Four, of course,” came the disgusted reply.
“That’s right,” agreed Lincoln. “Now suppose you call the cow’s tail a leg; how many legs would the cow have?
“Why, five, of course,” was the confidant reply.
“Now, that’s where you’re wrong,” said Lincoln. “Calling a cow’s tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.”
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day.”
Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.”
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.
By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!”
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”
Moral of this story: 1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life. 2. If you don’t have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire. 3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you’re probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire. 4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
From net153.com email list
A guy walks into a snack bar and asks the guy behind the counter if he will give him a free coke if he shows him something amazing. He agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing “Amazing Grace”.
“That IS amazing!” says the counter man and gives the guy his free coke.
“If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another coke?” The guy behind the counter agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog sings “What a Friend We Have in Jesus”.
The guy behind the counter is completely wowed, gives him another coke. A man in a suit, who’s been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.
“Are you nuts?” asks the guy behind the counter. “You could’ve made a fortune off that frog.”
“Can you keep a secret?” asks the man. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”
Quoted from funny(at)net153.com email list