Category Archives: Alpha Course Jokes

Excuses

If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you’d realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic. For example: Reasons Not To Wash
1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can’t decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I’ll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can’t spare the time

After The Service

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service”

Confusion In A Welsh Parish

There was some confusion in a Welsh parish at one time when both curates all the name of Evans. This was short lived as soon one became known as Evans the Trinity, and the other as Evans the Holy Ghost. Both men were flattered to hear this until they discovered that they had been called this because one was incomprehensible and the other was indivisible. The confusion got worse when the new rector arrived also called Evans. But this was easily sorted, he was quickly called Evans above.

Nuns And Greed

There was a very fat nun who dearly loved her food. She was cautioned by the Mother Superior on the subject of greed. ‘Remember,’ she was told, ‘the Bible says that we are temples of the Holy Spirit, and therefore we should respect our bodies and show restraint.’
For a while the lesson apparently went home and it was noticed that the nun ate much less than before. But then, alas, it became obvious at meal times that she was back to her former ways. Again she was on the carpet for a reprimand. ‘You seem to be forgetting what 1 said about being temples of the Holy Spirit sister,’ said her Superior.
With a beatific smile the nun replied, ‘Well, it was while 1 was praying the other day Mother, that 1 seemed to hear a voice that said, ‘Sister, you are not a temple of the Holy Spirit, you are a basilica.’

Honey, Can You Hear Me?

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, “Honey, can you hear me?” There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, “Honey, can you hear me?” Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, “Honey, can you hear me?” She replied, “For the third time, Yes!”

An Argument

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.” So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away. They did spreadsheets, they wrote reports, they sent faxes, they sent out e-mails, they sent out e-mails with attachments, they downloaded, they did some genealogy reports, they made cards, they did every know job. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. Of course the electricity went off. After the rain stopped the electricity came back on. Satan was angry. He screamed, “I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus’ work?” Jesus sat and smiled. Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed, and when he pushed “print” it was all there. “How did he do it?” Satan asked. God smiled and said, “Jesus Saves.”

Forgive Us Our Trespasses

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 100 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.”
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”

Forrest Gump Died And Went To Heaven

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates of heaven St. Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances of education on earth. To get into heaven he had to answer 3 questions:
1)name two days of the week that begin with “T”.
2)How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God’s first name?
Forrest thought for a moment then answered. The two days of the week that start with “T” are Today and Tomorrow. There are 12 seconds in a year, and God has two names, Andy and Howard.”
St. Peter said, “Ok I’ll buy the today and tomorrow even though that’s what I expected. But how are there 12 seconds in a year?
“Forest answered, “January 2nd, February 2nd……”
St. Peter replied, “Ok, I give, but what about Gods first name?
“Forrest answered St. Peter by saying, “Well, from the song….Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own. Plus the prayer says Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name….” Saint Peter let him in without another word.

Alleluia God Is Great!

A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. “Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!” he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.

Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.

“Hey” asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, “Don’t you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle.”

The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the “realities” of the miracles of the Bible. “That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across.”

The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.

“Wow!” exclaimed the boy happily, “God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!”

Jewish Youths Visit Israel

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.
When the son returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.”
“Oy vey,” said the father. “What have I done?” He took his problem to his best friend, Ike.
“Ike,” he said, “I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?”
“Funny you should ask,” said Ike. “I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi.”
So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.
“Funny you should ask,” said the rabbi. “I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?”
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:

“Funny you should ask,” said the Voice. “I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . .”

The Bishop And The Boy

A bishop was coming to stay at a rector’s house for the night. The rector’s eight year old son who was excited about the important guest, asked his father if he could take the bishop his tea in the morning. The rector agreed but told his son that he must knock on the door and say, “It’s the boy, my lord. It is time to get up.”
On his way upstairs the nervous boy was clutching the cup and saucer and practising his words. He knocked on the door and the bishop asked, “Who is it?”
The boy replied at the top of his voice, “It’s the Lord, my boy. Your time is up!”

A Duck Hunter

A duck hunter took his new hunting retriever out on its first hunt. Soon he shot a duck that fell into the lake. The dog walked over the water picked up the duck and brought it back to his master.
The hunter was flabbergasted! He shot another duck. Once again, while he rubbed his eyes in disbelief, the dog walked over the water and retrieved the duck.
Hardly daring to believe what he had seen he asked his neighbour to go hunting with him the next day. Once again each time he or his neighbour shot a duck, the dog would walk out and bring the bird in.
The man said nothing and neither did his neighbour. Finally he could contain himself no longer and he blurted out, “did you notice anything strange about that dog”
The neighbour scratched his head and finally said, ‘Come to think of it I did, The son of a gun can’t swim.”

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.
Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: “Oh my God!…”
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying,
“You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,
“Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful.”

YUK!

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mummy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No,” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I have to throw up!”
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.”
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
“Did you throw up?” Mum asked.
“Yes.”
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mummy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick.'”

Accidents

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground – and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above – I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope!

Three Buddies

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven.

They are all asked, “When you are in your coffin and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”

The Healing Pet

A fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about ‘normal’ tricks.
“Well,” they said, “let’s try this out.”
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!”
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Flying Cats

A pastor had a little kitten stuck up in a tree, and the kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. But as he moved just a little too far, the rope broke. The tree snapped upright and the kitten instantly sailed through the air and out of sight.
He felt just terrible and walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they had seen a little kitten. Nobody had and finally he prayed, “Lord, I commit this kitten to Your keeping,” and then went about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members. In her shopping cart he was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her why she was buying cat food when she hated cats so much.
She replied, “You won’t believe this but I have been refusing to buy my little girl a cat even though she has been begging for one. Finally I told her that if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.
“I watched my child go out into the yard, get on her knees and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky with its paws spread out and landed right in front of her. Of course I had to let her keep the kitten since it came from God. . . .”
From The Daily Dilly Quoted from PreachingNow Email list